Notes on Polyamory - Part One.

by Jessie Burke

We do ourselves and our partners a favour by being clear on what makes us feel good or bad.

What happens when self awareness, transparency and a desire to respect our partner’s boundaries doesn’t exist? What happens when even one of those things disappears?

The ethics within ethical non-monogamy evaporates and we’re left with individuals who, while pragmatic, have missed the entire point of this love-style.

Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy do not exist to give people the right to a metaphorical free-for-all, but rather to celebrate our collective ability to love not only in depth, but in breadth.

This love-style is one of constant exploration as it holds a mirror to our innermost emotions (some too ugly to look at, at first) We thrive if we do the work required to operate healthily within it (like still making the effort to examine those emotions, despite how ugly they are)

While my feelings of security surrounding polyamory aren’t where I'd like them to be, I understand that I can change that by implementing the necessary steps to protect my boundaries and remain present in my needs. I can remind myself that when practiced proactively, polyamory can aid in resolving attachment trauma due to its tendency to shine a light on our collective fear of abandonment that only dims when the work is done to quell these fears.

One main ideology of polyamory as a love style is to dismantle the notion that love is a finite resource, when in fact, there is no scarcity in love. This can be asserted in all types of relationships.

The pitfalls of polyamory are numerous (I should know, I've just been cheated on after spending the past 6 years in a relationship)

Keep in mind, this could have happened in a monogamous setting (and quite often does) Unfortunately, it happened with all measures taken to prevent it. How could this be then? How could all the clichés suddenly apply?

When given virtually free-range to experience all there is to love and be loved, ethical non-monogamy continues to baffle with it’s main stipulation - ethics.

Those of us who identify with and practice polyamory or ENM (ethical non-monogamy) understand that while each of our identities and experiences differ, our main objective is to ensure all parties are consenting, enthusiastic and clearly informed on relational politics (such as who we are seeing or how many partners we have, what kind of partnerships we are seeking) We know that if we skew or omit information necessary to the building & strengthening of any bond, it is a betrayal on the most basic level (a betrayal that I am still reeling from) So how does one find themselves in this predicament, where lines are crossed where there were previously agreed upon outlines of consent?

To understand, one must go beyond a basic betrayal and explore individual boundaries and expectations within this relationship dynamic.

Each couple (be it throuple or polycule) will have had, hopefully, many discussions outlining and agreeing on boundaries, expectations and preferences regarding the style of communication they wish to have (like whether the relationship is escalating/non-escalating or if they are observing a hierarchy)

In my opinion, these are things that should be checked on and revisited often to avoid “left-field” feelings (or feelings that arise when a partner changes their mind about a dynamic they otherwise felt strongly about).

This concept of “left field” was brought to my attention via an educational instagram account (@lavitaloca34) and is referred to as a “Sharp Left Turn”, which is exactly what it can feel like.

The post outlines both sides of this experience and gently reminds us that we cannot control any part of how our partner feels at any given moment and how validating our partner’s feelings surrounding a shift in what they thought was happening can ease anxieties that arise.

It is my belief that regular discussion surrounding our love-styles as we navigate them can be instrumental in a successful polyamorous relationship by leaving the door open to each individual’s original need for fluidity.

Over the years I have taken notice of the lack of available resources on Poly/ENM and found that the readings I did find felt extremely self-serving in their lack of empathy to those of us who experience even a modicum of negativity while practicing polyamory.

As previously mentioned, myself and others are now lucky to have resources available to us on platforms like instagram, instead of random websites from whatever we could scrounge up on google. For a very long time, in those random resources, it appeared that anyone who experienced jealousy, fear, anxiety or even a lack of compersion (a word used to describe the joy felt by many who practice consensual non monogamy towards their partner’s positive dating experiences, outside of their relationship) were left on their own to manage these “taboo” emotions, citing that our partner’s desires within poly were a choice that we made to accept and that it certainly isn’t their job to ease our hard emotions as a result of these choices.

Having read this, internalized it, and silenced myself numerous times in previous relational settings, I can assure you, it is a foolish way to play the poly game, and you know what they say; Play stupid games, win stupid prizes (Hello, attachment trauma!)

I’m not sure who originally came up with this notion that practicing polyamory makes you immune to the accountability of other’s emotions but I wholeheartedly disagree.

Let’s be clear - I don’t mean to say that a distraught partner who continually goes off on you for things they previously agreed to is yours and yours alone to manage (although it may be a good idea to sit down and discuss whether polyamory or ENM is the right love style for them)

I believe that if your partner is having difficult emotions surrounding your actions, I would hope you desire to assist in regulating their nervous system and restoring their feeling of security because you care for them (whether you are doing something decidedly “wrong” or not)

At the basis of all relationships there should be the desire for mutual care and attention, and if this desire does not exist for you, ask yourself ‘what are you doing in a relationship?’(poly/enm or otherwise!) You may be surprised by your own answer.