Notes on Polyamory - Part Three.

by Jessie Burke

 I am at a party that’s gone long past midnight.

I look around and realize that so many of us who are here are still stubbornly staying at parties to prove our dedication. I look down at my hand expecting to see a glass of champagne and instead I’m holding a red solo cup of stale beer.

Truth is, I want my bed. And I want to leave the polya party for now. I want to call it a night on the metamours I couldn’t stand, roll up in my duvet and forget about the feeling when a partner’s date goes longer than expected. I want to give my nervous system a rest - but won’t everyone at the party think I can’t hack it? That’s alright.

I finally sat down to write after a long pause, and realized I had nothing to write about (read: I had twelve million things to write about). To begin writing meant I had to think about and address all twelve million thoughts (which felt a little bit like making it home from the party only to find my bed covered in unfolded laundry). If I found the words, I didn't know who would be left more confused; myself or my reader.

A lot had happened, again. I had fallen out of love with a relationship style as a whole. I privately grieved the loss of something that once felt so freeing to me & a person who had helped me discover my own capacities within that freedom.

What freedom showed me was that you can change your own life at any time, without the excuse or labour of another person standing in your way or making way for you.

I'm embarrassed to admit to anyone how often the person standing in my way is me.

I look back on my time spent polyamorously and the only difference I notice to how I spent my time as a monogamous individual is how much work I was actively doing on myself or with my partner. Learning about ourselves and taking time to share our discoveries, honouring one another in our boundaries and finding a bond in mutual respect. Not only has that been instrumental in helping me move through emotional dysregulation, but I have been able to unlearn truly harmful ideologies that if left unchecked, can unwind your sense of self (or your partnership as a whole). Ideologies that make us feel like we should be the only person to fulfil every need in our partner’s life.

Thing is, this “work” is so closely connected to polyamory because those of us observing this lifestyle learned very quickly how intense the experience can be. Thus you have no choice but to find a healthy way to regulate. The “work” I speak about doing while polyamorous was out of necessity. In reality these are just what healthy relational dynamics look like. For some of us however, it means actively triggering ourselves (living through the discomfort that arises in our attachment styles) in order to move through the process in a safe and guided way, which can be effective, albeit soul-shaking.

The problem was, I was not safe or being guided anywhere particularly healthy.

While having moments of truly healthy, enjoyable, and sustainable polya dating, I also experienced a lot of the same toxicity that exists within monogamy. An obsession from others regarding the sex I was or wasn’t having as a result of my choice to date more than one person, horrible communication between myself and my partner at the time based on a mutual desire to ‘not know details', the pressure to be so cool with everything, to have an answer for every decision. All this did was further my belief that both dating styles can suck and be awesome, and that both realities can exist at the same time.

The point is, you don’t have to muscle through any experience if the majority of the time you feel you aren’t receiving anything positive from it. For a long time polyamory was a sparkly, friendly, upbeat, safety-forward, ethics-focused utopia that sang out to my queer little heart. It brought so many unspoken truths to light for a version of myself I’d left in adolescence.

Why were women always pit against one another for a guy’s attention? Why do people act shocked when they find out a new flame has other flames? Why isn’t it more encouraged to disclose our romantic realities on the first date for safety and consent purposes? Polymory felt like dating, but after someone slipped you the secret cheat codes that no one told you existed.

In reality there were no magic codes. It was just easy to care and disclose.

The point I am getting at is to express that within polyamory, you will be subject to all kinds of opinions, and to make an effort to take in as many as you can in order to curate your own thoughts and feelings on the matter - grains of salt included.

Your relationships are yours and no amount of reading do’s and don’t will mold you into the “perfect polyamorist” (as much as many of us wish, we can’t theorize our way to success)

JB

To read more of Jessie’s work (including the other Notes on Polyamory, click here)